09.18.2020.2 | The Future Forest

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Wuck

after the cat scan my face starts to break out in hives from the contrast solution. they itch like crazy. the nurse gives me a benadryl, which clears them up fairly quickly. sarah must be tired, but she doesn’t look it. she looks concerned. the doctor comes back an hour later with the results. you’re the proud owner of multiple kidney stones, my friend, <quote-01>she says with a smile<quote-01>. you’re currently passing an <quote-02>8mm<quote-02> rock on your left side. it’s about halfway down the ureter.

most folks, including myself prior to now, think of kidney stones as being hard to pass through the urethra. ouch, my dick! we think. this is not the case. getting them from the kidney to the bladder via the ureter, that’s the problem. the ureter is a smaller tube than the urethra; stones can get stuck. a large enough stone can even block the flow of urine from the kidney entirely, and then you have a real problem. once the stone hits the bladder, however, you’re usually in the clear. peeing out the stone is supposedly the easy part.

my options are to go home with a supply of pain meds and try to pass it on my own or to check myself into the hospital and undergo surgery. like, they open up my back? i ask. no, through the penis, she says. a <quote-04>laser<quote-04> is fed up the urethra, through the bladder, and into the ureter to break up the stone, before moving further up into the kidney to break up the other stones lying in wait. they put me under for this? i ask. of course, she says. needless to say, i’m not thrilled with the description. <quote-03>i opt to try to pass it on my own<quote-03>.

the doctor suggests i set up an appointment with a urologist for monday.

<quote-05>sunday, august 30th<quote-05>: sarah and i get home at five in the morning. <quote-06>she is back<quote-06> out at eight to retrieve my meds from the pharmacy, bless her heart. i can’t eat anything. i pound water and <quote-07>percocet<quote-07> and sleep as much as i can. i’m nauseous all the time.

<quote-08>monday, august 31st<quote-08>: two days past the due date.

sarah heads into the city for a sonogram to make sure she and the baby are doing alright. from here on out they’ll want to see her every other day. the midwives want to do a membrane sweep, but sarah asks if they can postpone until her next appointment. the membrane sweep, if you don’t know, is an attempt to induce labor through manually separating a portion of the amniotic sac from the uterine wall. this is accomplished via a finger inserted into the cervix, and when effectively performed, it’s supposedly quite unpleasant.

meanwhile, i suffer an uber ride in the morning to a urologist on the upper east side whose only assistance is recommending another guy who is evidently the main kidney stone guy in the city. i place a call in to his office and leave a message explaining my situation--hello, my name is nicholas webber. my wife is about to give birth and i’m passing a giant kidney stone--then suffer another uber ride back to brooklyn. how you doing? sarah texts me. oh, you know. you? i ask. they’re willing to wait until wednesday, so we'll see.

back at the house i receive a call back from the kidney specialist: he can see me that afternoon.

i head back out before sarah returns.

after looking at my cat scan, he gives me a twenty percent chance of passing the stone on my own. other than continuing to wait it out--no timeline for how long it might take--my options are surgery or lithotripsy. there are a couple elements to the surgery that were not made clear to me in the emergency room. after the operation, a stent is left in the ureter to ensure the kidney continues to drain, and while nowhere near as painful as passing a stone, it can, evidently, be quite uncomfortable. a week later the stent is removed--a procedure i’d rather not think about. lithotripsy, on the other hand, breaks up stones through external shock waves, but depending on the type of stone--a distinction impossible to make without testing the stone itself--the procedure can be less than effective.

i pause not at all. they can put me under on wednesday. i should have elected to have the surgery while i was in the emergency room sunday morning, and had i been given the <quote-09>disheartening odds<quote-09> the specialist offered me of passing it on my own, i would have.

<quote-10>tuesday, september 1st<quote-10>: still no signs of labor.

<quote-11>wednesday, september 2nd<quote-11>: as instructed, i shower thoroughly in the morning with antibacterial soap. <quote-12>sarah rides with me<quote-12> to new york presbyterian at columbia university in washington heights. after i’m admitted, she takes the train down to her midwives in the west village for her membrane sweep.

i wake up from the operation desperately needing to pee. a nurse helps me to the bathroom, and i pass a searing stream of wine red urine, <quote-13>bloody bubbles left on the tip of my penis<quote-13>. my back seizes up on the stent. it’s uncomfortable, but the doctor was right: it’s not kidney-stone pain.

sarah’s sweep is likely to be unsuccessful. minimal separation is achieved as her cervix is still too closed. she’s none too happy.

<quote-14>thursday, september 3rd<quote-14>: my pain at peeing wanes as the shade of urine gradually fades from...well, let’s say from <quote-15>a merlot to a rosé<quote-15>. supposedly it will remain pink until the stent is removed. i am now pain free, but so long as the stent is in, i need to pee all the time. <quote-16>the feeling of having to pee never goes away, even after i’ve emptied my bladder<quote-16>.

my stent removal is scheduled for the following thursday. will the baby be here by then? will i miss the appointment because of labor? who knows. mice and men, no?

onward.

September 18th Pt2

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<pull-quote>she says with a smile<pull-quote>
<avatar-hoke><avatar-hoke><author-name>Hoke<author-name>
<p-comment>Such perfect foils.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>
<avatar-wuck><avatar-wuck><author-name>Wuck<author-name>
<p-comment>labor vs passing stones? we’ve all heard this comparison made, of course. i can’t imagine the pain i felt was as intense as the strongest contractions of labor, but then again, my body wasn’t releasing the chemicals to help me adapt to the experience either. there were also no breaks; the pain didn’t come on in waves.<p-comment>
<p-comment>i did, however, also birth a baby out of my vagina before it was over, so there’s that.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>This one you named Thomas?<p-comment>
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<avatar-wuck><avatar-wuck><author-name>Wuck<author-name>
<p-comment>we jokingly tossed out stone as a name for benjamin. i like stone for a girl. stone webber? a red-head? i mean, come on! that’s a name right there. i wouldn’t have been able to talk to a stone webber in junior high, that’s for sure.<p-comment>
<p-comment>sarah’s middle name is elizabeth. stone elizabeth? i love it, i call dibs. we tossed around elizabeth for a boy’s name as well, which i didn’t hate.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>
<avatar-hoke><avatar-hoke><author-name>Hoke<author-name>
<p-comment>I love all of this.<p-comment>
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<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>There's just no way you'd go with either of these--female Stone or male Elizabeth--when it came time to put ink to page, Wuck--you who measures the hundredfold ramifications of every single one of life's decision.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>

<pull-quote>8mm<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>Fuck!<p-comment>
<p-comment>Kersh is through five now, by the way, the last four 1-2-3.<p-comment>
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<avatar-wuck><avatar-wuck><author-name>Wuck<author-name>
<p-comment>noice!<p-comment>
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<pull-quote>i opt to try to pass it on my own<pull-quote>
<avatar-hoke><avatar-hoke><author-name>Hoke<author-name>
<p-comment>So I mentioned your plight to my sister, Steph. The veterinarian. She told me about a common over-the-counter medicine for kidney stones that people use across Latin America called Buscapina, and it's a common bottle in her truck for treating horses with urinary infections. But in the States big pharma has not approved it, as it would too easily cut in on pushing painkillers. Buscapan basically eases all the little tubes inside you, like your ureter spasming and gripping that tiny jagged torture stone. She says she's "accidentally" left a plastic dropper of Buscapan for different clients with agonizing kidney stones and they call within hours, glowing, adoring her and thanking her. Costs like five bucks. Two drops under the tongue.<p-comment>
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<avatar-wuck><avatar-wuck><author-name>Wuck<author-name>
<p-comment>175 troutman street, apt 2l, brooklyn, ny 11206<p-comment>
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<pull-quote>laser<pull-quote>
<avatar-hoke><avatar-hoke><author-name>Hoke<author-name>
<p-comment>Come in, Red Leader Four.<p-comment>
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<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>You’re either Red Leader, or you’re Red Four. C’mon, Hoke.<p-comment>
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<avatar-wuck><avatar-wuck><author-name>Wuck<author-name>
<p-comment>lol<p-comment>
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<pull-quote>sunday, august 30th<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>Game 36 of 60: Belli's dinger in the third helps the Dodgers set the NL record for the most homeruns in a month.<p-comment>
<p-comment>Another ho-hum drubbing of the Rangers, 7-2.<p-comment>
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<pull-quote>she is back<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>MVP<p-comment>
<p-comment>Yet another 1-2-3. We go to the 7th.<p-comment>
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<pull-quote>percocet<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>Not in pill form, I hope.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>
<avatar-hoke><avatar-hoke><author-name>Hoke<author-name>
<p-comment>How much is your insurance paying for that bottle of percs? This is the number one gateway drug, plus Vicodin, that so many men I meet in jail told me was the beginning of their pill hustle, then black heroin on the streets. Fuck those companies and their opiates.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>
<avatar-wuck><avatar-wuck><author-name>Wuck<author-name>
<p-comment>everyone i told i was on them warned me to be careful. not sure how much insurance paid; we got like 20 pills for 5 bucks. and i was given vicodin after the surgery. never touched those. soon as i was out of surgery, i was off the percs. like i said, i hate pills. already a couple folks have said they’d be happy to take them off my hands.<p-comment>
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<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>My mom, who has tried literally everything for pain, takes opioids on the regular; they do very little for her but more than everything else. She takes them when she needs them but never anything close to in excess. She used to be on some that killed people so often, you can no longer get them in North America. They worked really well for her. It's a shame she can no longer get them. Really, the only thing that puts her out of sorts is pain.<p-comment>
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<avatar-hoke><avatar-hoke><author-name>Hoke<author-name>
<p-comment>What a pickle. (I just watched The Sandlot for the first time.)<p-comment>
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<avatar-wuck><avatar-wuck><author-name>Wuck<author-name>
<p-comment>ha. of all the possible threads to reference the sandlot in these letters, my money would not have been on this one.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>Squints Palledorous becomes a pharmacist, you know.<p-comment>
<p-comment>Come to think of it, all that morphine might not have done the job.<p-comment>
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<pull-quote>monday, august 31st<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>A day off. Close the book on August: 21-7. Superb.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>

<pull-quote>disheartening odds<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>Not to mention...LASERS!<p-comment>
<hr><hr>
<avatar-wuck><avatar-wuck><author-name>Wuck<author-name>
<p-comment>the hell is red leader four when you need him?<p-comment>
<hr><hr>
<avatar-hoke><avatar-hoke><author-name>Hoke<author-name>
<p-comment>Right behind you, Red Leader. Coming up the dick, trying to be one with the Force.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>

<pull-quote>tuesday, september 1st<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>Urias cruises, and CT3 plates four all by himself.<p-comment>
<p-comment>Dodgers 6, D-backs 3.<p-comment>
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<avatar-wuck><avatar-wuck><author-name>Wuck<author-name>
<p-comment>cmft!<p-comment>
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<pull-quote>wednesday, september 2nd<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>Buehler looks like Buehler for perhaps the only time all season. Jansen can't hold the tie in the 10th, but Will Smith comes through in the bottom of the frame. Dodgers win game 38 3-2.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>

<pull-quote>sarah rides with me<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>MVP! MVP!<p-comment>
<p-comment>Mookie just took two bases on an errant pickoff at second. Shades of Kirk fucking Gibson. Dodgers go up 6-1.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>
<avatar-wuck><avatar-wuck><author-name>Wuck<author-name>
<p-comment>fuck me if all aspects of this guy’s game aren't fun to watch.<p-comment>
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<pull-quote>bloody bubbles left on the tip of my penis<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>What a detail.<p-comment>
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<avatar-wuck><avatar-wuck><author-name>Wuck<author-name>
<p-comment>tiiiiiiiiny bubbles<p-comment>
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<avatar-hoke><avatar-hoke><author-name>Hoke<author-name>
<p-comment>red like wine<p-comment>
<p-comment>opiates make me happy<p-comment>
<p-comment>make me feeee-eeel fine.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>Don Ho(ke), ladies and gentleman!<p-comment>
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<avatar-wuck><avatar-wuck><author-name>Wuck<author-name>
<p-comment>coming up the dick! one with the force!<p-comment>
<hr><hr>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>lol<p-comment>
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<pull-quote>thursday, september 3rd<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>Kershaw goes six scoreless with eight punches. Dodgers sweep the D-backs.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>

<pull-quote>a merlot to a rosé<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>Superb.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>
<avatar-hoke><avatar-hoke><author-name>Hoke<author-name>
<p-comment>Two dicks up.<p-comment>
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<pull-quote>the feeling of having to pee never goes away, even after i’ve emptied my bladder<pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment>This for me, so far, is the most incomprehensible moment in this letter. What a mindfuck.<p-comment>
<p-comment>Get this: Kersh goes 1-2-3 again.<p-comment>
<hr><hr>
<avatar-wuck><avatar-wuck><author-name>Wuck<author-name>
<p-comment>kersh! kersh! kersh!<p-comment>
<p-comment>when he heard about my operation, my manager facetimed me to commiserate. he‘d been through the procedure himself, and hearing about his experience was helpful. his stent was left in for months; i can’t imagine. i asked how long the removal took, what, 30 seconds? nah, more like 20, he said. oh nice, i replied. after i hung up i was like, fuck, 20 seconds sounds like a long-ass time!<p-comment>
<p-comment>i think i’m the first in our group to have a stent put in? let’s just say, i look forward to being there for the next guy.<p-comment>
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<pull-quote><pull-quote>
<avatar-murph><avatar-murph><author-name>Murph<author-name>
<p-comment><p-comment>
<p-comment><p-comment>
<p-comment><p-comment>
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<avatar-hoke><avatar-hoke><author-name>Hoke<author-name>
<p-comment><p-comment>
<p-comment><p-comment>
<p-comment><p-comment>
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<avatar-wuck><avatar-wuck><author-name>Wuck<author-name>
<p-comment><p-comment>
<p-comment><p-comment>
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